Cherry Lane

The sun was beginning to set on the cozy street with cherry trees. Cherry leaves and branches covered the street sign, earning the street the inviting title of Cherry Lane. The air was comfortably warm and there was a hint of a cool, crisp early autumn breeze. Only a few leaves on the trees had begun to change color, not wanting to let summer slip away just yet. It was a peaceful evening on Cherry Lane.

In the back of the house with red shutters two children sat on a hammock hanging between two large trees. They were young children, both about nine years old, simply enjoying the last of their summer days. The boy was telling a story to the girl as she slowly pushed her foot off the ground to make the hammock sway. They sat very close to one another, no hint of anything more than friendship, just the sweet purity that comes with childhood. The girl giggled at something the boy said and shook her head.

“Chris, I’m not gonna believe you, I don’t care what you say.” she said as she crossed her arms. Chris was persistent.

“No! I swear it’s true! He lives behind the fence that goes through our yards and he can’t come out, so he has to lure kids out to eat them.” he said in a very matter-of-fact way, as if he were an expert on the subject of monsters.

The girl stopped swaying the hammock, and looked at her friend. “Why can’t he come out of the woods? He could just go get a pizza at the pizza place downtown. I’m sure that’s better than eating kid’s faces.” she suggested.

Chris thought for a moment, and then gave the reason, “He’s trapped there, I think it’s a curse or something like that. But he can’t leave, so he makes everything seem weird until you get tired out and then…he gets ya!” As he said the last words, he jerked his hands out and grabbed the girl’s shoulders, making her cry out.

“That was not funny, Christopher!” she huffed, annoyed that she’d been frightened so easily. As Chris laughed, the back door to the house opened and a woman stepped out.

“Haley, sweetie, it’s time to come inside. Chris, you’re mother called, she’d like you home for dinner, too.” she called to the children who both groaned. The two of them hopped off of the hammock and said goodbye. Haley walked up the porch steps and Chris went up the driveway to his house across the street.

Haley’s mother ruffled her daughter’s hair as she walked inside. Haley grumbled and combed it back out with her hands. Before the door was closed all the way, a black and white cat made a break for the great outdoors. Haley immediately dropped to the floor, blocking the cat’s exit as if this was routine. Scooping the overweight animal in her arms, she said affectionately, “Sammy, you know you can’t go out there, you’ll get eaten by the neighbor’s mean doggie!” When the door was shut tightly, she let the cat down and scratched his ears.

“Go wash up sweetie, Dad will be home soon so we can eat dinner.” her mother said as she set out plates on the kitchen table. Haley washed her face and hands in the bathroom sink, making silly faces in the mirror as she did so. When she was finished, she wandered back into the kitchen. Her mother was getting dinner ready, bustling about the room.

“Mom?” she said casually.

“Hmm?” her mother let her know she was listening.
“Chris was saying that there’s a guy that lives in the woods back there and he lures kids out to...eat them..” she had rehearsed these words in her head, even replacing “monster” with “guy” to try to make it sound like a mature conversation. At nine years old, she was not very skilled at doing such a thing.

Her mother laughed, “Aren’t you a bit old to believe those kinds of things? Especially when they’re from Christopher,”

Haley blushed. She didn’t want to seem like a little kid, but when it came to monsters, she had to be reassured.

“Of course there’s no one back there, don’t worry your little head about it.” her mother said, tapping Haley’s nose affectionately.

After Haley’s father came home, the family settled down for dinner. They talked about work, Mrs. Brown’s new baby, traffic and other boring adult chatter; grown-ups didn’t worry about monsters. Haley ate her food, cleverly hiding her green beans in her napkin when no one was looking. When she finished, she brought her plate into the kitchen and rinsed it off.

Haley watched an hour or so of cartoons before her mother told her to get to bed. She turned off the T.V and got ready for bed. She brushed her teeth, combed her hair and put a long night shirt on. Her parents were already in bed, both of them reading.

“Good night Mom, Good night Dad,” She hugged each of them before leaving their room and gently shutting the door. Walking back into the living room, she went to look for Sammy. He was not in his usual place on the left side of the sofa. Haley looked around the rest of the room, but could not find him. She decided he was just hiding somewhere and went back to her room.

Crawling under the light covers on her bed, Haley turned out the light on her bedside table. Almost immediately she began to doze off. After at least half an hour though, Haley had not fallen asleep. She tossed and turned, kicking the covers off her body, which was covered in a light sheen of sweat.

“It’s too hot tonight,” she muttered as she got out of her bed and crossed the room to her window. She opened it wide and instantly felt a refreshingly cool breeze. “That’s better.” she sighed and went back to her bed.

Before her head had hit the pillow, she heard it.

Meow!

She furrowed her eyebrows, had she heard a cat outside?

Meow!

It was louder now, and more drawn out. Was Sammy outside? She was too tired to react.

Meeow!

Haley’s eyes jerked open and she sat up. That was definitely Sammy’s meow. How had he gotten outside? Haley got up, still half asleep, and left her room. She went to the back hall and peered out the window. She couldn’t really see anything, so she quietly opened the door.

“Sammy?” she called softly. She stepped outside and down the porch steps. “Sammy..?” She couldn’t see him anywhere. She walked around her driveway slowly, looking around. Suddenly she gasped at a sudden pain in her foot. She had forgotten to put shoes on and had stepped on a jagged pebble that was on the pavement.

Balancing on one foot, she lifted her right leg up. The rock was still in her foot, she gently pulled it out.

“Ow!” she hissed as the pebble fell back to the ground. Her foot was bleeding right below the big toe. Before she could do anything more, she head a loud screech coming from the woods. Sammy must be in a fight with another cat, Haley thought as she dropped her foot. Careful not to put much pressure on the cut, she hurried into the direction of the sound, across the large yard.

About ten feet before the wooden fence, Haley felt her stomach clench suddenly. Standing still as a statue, Haley’s horrifying realization that she had been lured outside almost made her throw up. What was she doing out here? She was standing just feet away from the dark woods in the middle of the night, alone. Taking a deep breath, she closed her eyes tight and turned slowly around to face her house. Feeling a sudden terror, she yelped and sprinted forward. It was too dark to really see where she was going, but the light on her porch was a beacon of hope. She was almost there when she tripped over her own feet and fell to her stomach. She waited for something to get her, but nothing happened. She sighed and looked up.

The light was gone. Confused, she looked around. Somehow, she was back exactly where she had just been; ten feet away from the wooden fence. Her heart was racing as she stood up. She whimpered like a wounded puppy.

“Mommy..” she whispered, tears were beginning to stream down her face. She looked around, she could no longer see the light from her porch. The only light was the ghostly blue from the moon. She turned to face the fence again. Two yellow dots appeared for a minute, in the space between the fence and the ground. These did not scare her, but provided her with a glimmer of hope.

“S-Sammy?” she took a few steps forward and she heard a meow. “Sammy!” she whispered, she was only a foot away from the fence, and she could no longer hear the part of her head that was screaming for her to run. She bent down.

“Kitty?” she bent her neck over to glance under the fence. The eyes appeared again, and came closer. They glided rather than bobbed with a normal cat’s gait. The face the moonlight revealed was nothing like a cat’s.

This creature was shaped like a man, but his skin was black leather, stretched over pointed bones. His face glistened and dripped like wet tar. The cat’s eyes disappeared and were replaced with black holes that sucked in all light. The thin lips stretched almost ear to ear over glistening, pointed yellow teeth. Something that could have been a tongue snaked out and licked the cracked lips. He was lying on his stomach with his arms bent on either side, like a spider. Rotten yellow fingernails dug eagerly into the soil.

Haley didn’t even have time to think about screaming before his hand shot out and grabbed her ankle. His hot tar flesh burned her and she tried to cry out, but she could not open her mouth. Effortlessly, he yanked her under the fence and threw her over to a tree. In a daze, she looked up as the monster rose, towering over her. He then did something strange; he raised a hand. After a moment he lowered one finger.

Haley came to a grim realization that he was giving her a head start to run away. He wanted to chase her, to hunt her. She picked up a rock and hurled it at the creature, screaming.

“Leave me ALONE!” she cried as she stood up and backed away. The thing caught the rock she had thrown; he let it fall to the ground. Stretching his lips into a disgusting smile he shook his head slowly, and then lowered another finger.

Haley did not hesitate again. She turned and sprinted away. There was a break in the fence at some old woman’s house just a little ways up. If she could get to where he couldn’t follow, she’d be free. Adrenaline pumped through her, allowing her to run faster than she ever had in her life. She ignored the throbbing pain in her foot; nothing would slow her down.

After a while the ground was becoming softer as she ran, muddier. Soon she was struggling to lift her bare feet out of the muck. She screamed in frustration.

“Move!” she yelled, “C’mon! Move!” Stuck up to her ankles in rotting leaves and mud, she realized she was sinking. She screamed, hoping someone would hear. The mud was sucking her down; she was up to her waist within moments. Frantically she reached around to find a stick, a branch, anything. Finding a large branch, she grasped onto it. She tried to pull herself up, but the branch was slippery. Up to her chest now, her upper arms and her head were the only things free. She grabbed for the branch again, when she noticed something. The branch was not connected to a tree.

It was the monster's arm. She screamed, but was cut off as she was sucked under the muddy surface. Utter silence and darkness enveloped her. Muck and dead things filled her mouth and went into her eyes and ears. She was tiring herself out, trying to move in the mud, she’d pass out soon.

Her hands had still been above the surface, clinging onto what she had thought was a branch. She felt the hot fingers grip onto her and pull her up and out of the mud as if it had been water. She moaned, how could he keep torturing her like this? She spit the mud out of her mouth and screamed, but her voice was hoarse. She wiped her eyes quickly and looked around. He was gone.

The woods were silent and the monster was nowhere to be seen. She felt the ground; it was solid as it always was.
“He’s gone,” she whispered to herself. Standing up, she saw the break in the fence only a few yards away. Almost giggling with relief she stumbled over to the fence. As she lifted her foot to finally walk out of the woods, she felt inky warmth dripping down her ankles.

Feeling as though she had swallowed a popsicle whole she closed her eyes. She took a breath as she felt the decrepit fingers clench her ankles, drag her onto her belly and back into the woods.

A large gust of wind blew through the trees, drowning out the screams.


Haley’s mother woke in the middle of the night; she had heard something outside. A meow, she thought, Sammy must be outside. Putting on her robe, she walked to the back door and peered outside. She opened the door.

Sammy ran up to her purring and started rubbing her legs. Bending down she picked him up and asked him, “How did you get out there?” He kept purring as she scratched his head. She let him down and watched him run into the other room. Shutting the door, she went back into her own room to go back to sleep.

The sun was beginning to rise over the tree tops. The morning air was brisk and cool, with a refreshing breeze. Autumn seemed to have finally arrived.

It was a peaceful morning on Cherry Lane.


**************************
Tell me what chya think bout it. This is kind of the first time I really described what happened to a character during a scary story, I usually go by the idea "less is more" and let the reader fill in what happened.
This story I just needed to write, since most of it is from my fears as a kid.

[oncoming_train]

Some very good descriptions, and it reads well; almost like a ghost story you tell as children at sleepovers. Very nice.

[Empress Artisan]

ooh! this is great! An amazing ending!

[sunnydays-x]

Oh I love it! it's really captivating, and the descriptions are really well done.

[Kcpackers]

me gusta chica

[soulwolf]

Anyhow, I'm trying something new with my critiques, so forgive me if it doesn't come out well. In my fiction writing class, we aren't allowed to use linking verbs. So I've tried to edit several of them out from your story. While this strategy/type of writing can be a pain in the butt, it really helps to get you thinking differently about every sentence that you write.

Write using vivid imagery, not just hot or blue or soft. How hot? How blue... ect. Anyhow, I didn't comment too much on the plot yet, since I haven't actually finished the critique. This is just the first half.

RED = edits by me[BLUE] = comments by me

-----------------
The sun began to set on the cozy street with cherry trees. Cherry leaves and branches covered the street sign [kind, color?] , earning the street the inviting title of Cherry Lane. The comfortably warm air held a hint of a cool, crisp early autumn breeze. Only a few leaves on the trees began to change color, not wanting to let summer slip away just yet. It was a peaceful evening on Cherry Lane.

In the back of the house with red shutters [how red? Pink? Dull and faded? Scarlet crimson?] , two children sat on a hammock hanging between two large trees [what kind of trees?]. They young children, both about nine years old, simply enjoyed the last of their summer days. The boy told a story to the girl as she slowly pushed her foot off the ground to make the hammock sway. They sat very close to one another, no hint of anything more than friendship, just the sweet purity that comes with childhood. The girl giggled at something the boy said and shook her head.

“Chris, I’m not gonna believe you; I don’t care what you say.” she said as she crossed her arms. Chris persisted.

“No! I swear it’s true! He lives behind the fence that goes through our yards and he can’t come out, so he has to lure kids out to eat them.” he said in a very matter-of-fact way, as if he were an expert on the subject of monsters.

The girl stopped swaying the hammock, and looked at her friend [how did she look? Surprised? Cynical? Angry? ]. “Why can’t he come out of the woods? He could just go get a pizza at the pizza place downtown. I’m sure that’s better than eating kid’s faces.” she suggested.

Chris thought for a moment, and then gave the reason, “He’s trapped there. I think it’s a curse, or something like that[color=red], but he can’t leave. So he makes everything seem weird until you get tired out[color=red], and then…he gets ya!” As he said the last words, he jerked his hands out [of what? I didn’t realize they were in something?] and grabbed the girl’s shoulders, making her cry out. [how did she cry out?]

“That was not funny, Christopher!” she huffed, annoyed that she’d been frightened so easily. As Chris laughed, the back door to the house opened and a woman stepped out.

“Haley, sweetie, it’s time to come inside. Chris, you’re mother called; she wants you home for dinner too,” she called to the children who both groaned. The two of them hopped off of the hammock and said “goodbye”. Haley walked up the porch steps, and Chris went up the driveway to his house across the street.

Haley’s mother ruffled her daughter’s hair as she walked inside. Haley grumbled and combed it back out with her hands. Before the door was closed all the way, a black and white cat made a break for the great outdoors. Haley immediately dropped to the floor, blocking the cat’s exit as if this was routine. [very nice, perhaps “ dropped to the floor in her routine of blocking the cat’s exit” ?? ] Scooping the overweight animal into her arms, she said affectionately, “Sammy, you know you can’t go out there. You’ll get eaten by the neighbor’s mean doggie!” When the door was shut tightly, she let the cat down and scratched his ears.

“Go wash up sweetie; Dad will be home soon, so we can eat dinner.” her mother said as she set the plates out on the kitchen table. Haley washed her face and hands in the bathroom sink, making silly faces in the mirror as she did so. After she finished, she wandered back into the kitchen. Her mother bustled about the room, getting dinner ready.

“Mom?” she said casually.

“Hmm?” her mother listened. [I don’t like my revision here, but I couldn’t come up with anything better. Sorry. ]
“Chris was saying that there’s a guy that lives in the woods back there, and he lures kids out to...eat them..” she rehearsed these words in her head, even replacing “monster” with “guy” to try to make it sound like a mature conversation. At nine years old, she was not very skilled at doing such a thing. [not sure how to edit this one … this sentence seems a bit repetitive. We already know that Haley is young, and the fact she’s talking about monsters says she’s not all that mature yet. It feels a little unnecessary. Try working this idea into the story another way if need be.]

Her mother laughed, “Aren’t you a bit old to believe those kinds of things? Especially when they’re from Christopher,” Haley blushed. She didn’t want to seem like a little kid, but when it came to monsters, she had to be reassured. “Of course there’s no one back there, don’t worry your little head about it.” her mother said, tapping Haley’s nose affectionately. [these paragraphs are one continuous idea. Group it together to strengthen it]

After Haley’s father came home, the family settled down for dinner. They talked about work, Mrs. Brown’s new baby, traffic and other boring adult chatter; grown-ups didn’t worry about monsters. Haley ate her food, cleverly hiding her green beans in her napkin when no one was looking. When she finished, she brought her plate into the kitchen and rinsed it off.

Haley watched an hour or so of cartoons before her mother told her to get to bed. She turned off the T.V and got ready for bed. She brushed her teeth, combed her hair and put a long night shirt on. Her parents were already in bed, both of them reading.

“Good night Mom, Good night Dad,” She hugged each of them before leaving their room and gently shutting the door. [this seems like filler. Its not important to know about her hiding her green beans or hugging her parents. It needs to add to the mood of the story. Though, the line about monsters was good. Try summing this up with one or two lines just to move the story along to the more important stuff.] Walking back into the living room, she went to look for Sammy. His usual place on the left side of the sofa [color=red] [remained or lay] empty [or any other strong verb with similar meaning. Use stronger verbs]. Haley looked around the rest of the room but decided he just hid somewhere and went back to her room.

Thank you for the in-depth critique, or half of one rather. I like mah linkin' verbs, but I will still try to change up sentences n such.
Thanks again

[platny]

Good Stuff.

[HeartShapedBox]

wow. i love this. cherry lane seems so innocent, 50's sitcom, perfect in the beginning, and then it turns out to be so dark and evil. love it. and your ending was perfect!

Thanks!