They Say Hell Came in a Tablet That Day

[apeva]

As everyone knows, I suck at part poems. I post one or two parts and totally forget about it. I'll try to remember, I swear I'm not just lazy.

Part I
Scuds of fizz flanked the tablet
that you presented to me, squeezed
between paled thumb and
canary forefinger. It
salivates life into my smoke clotted
and absinthe smeared
brain. You scotch-taped my
wheezing cardiac system,
sealing that rutted, muscled mass
with something called a kiss; a square
of gelatin-stuffed paper
that lulled on my tongue
and tye-dyed my mind.

[Skye]

Part I
Scuds of fizz flanked the tablet
that you presented to me, squeezed
between paled thumb and
canary forefinger. It
salivates life into my smoke clotted no comma
and absinthe smeared no comma
brain. There was my cardiac system, wheezing
as it was hyphen? Here a comma isn't strong enough you Scotch taped it together,
sealing such rutted, muscled mess
with something they call
a kiss, in the form
of a square of gelatin-stuffed paper
that lulled on my tongue
and tye-dyed my mind.

I really like the imagery throughout the whole poem. It's tightly-wound and cohesive. You also end on the right note to continue with another part. I'll be looking for it.

[Isis]

This is clear and concise while still keeping your signature grasp of imagery, which is excellent. I'm sorry that there aren't more parts of this [and that it took me two weeks to actually respond ...]

Only nitpick: the final sentence/half of this part was a tad confusing. There are some weird things going on with the passive voice in the beginning of the sentence and it's a bit of a runon. Something like this might be more effective:

"You scotch-taped my wheezing cardiac system,
sealing that rutted, muscled mass
with something called a kiss; a square
of gelatin-stuffed paper
that lulled on my tongue
and tye-dyed my mind."

It gets to the point without the passive tense or extra words, putting more emphasis on the images.

[Hypocrit]

Acid... mmmmm...

Metaphysical exploration is the name of the game. You need to make metaphors to the expirience itself to get teh message and connotation of the act through to people who can't read mind or haven't done acid. That is the majority of the populace.

You have a good outline but need to spice it up with the above.