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#1
08-15-2007, 03:27 AM
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fever frosted
he's flushed febrile:
body arched and bare spine as sweat-wrung lace strained muscles hooked precariously on infinite ridges stuck stark through skin like glass. the echoes of fevered rib bones rattling can still be heard in rebound inside the cracks in my palms, raw with spinal abrasions and stung sore by too-sleek skin cell kisses. your spinal shadows are so steep i lean to reach them from the upside-down.
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"... she felt that she had learned something, though exactly what it was she did not know. Later she remembered all the hours of the afternoon as happy -- one of those uneventful times that seem at the moment only a link between past and future pleasure, but turn out to have been the pleasure itself." -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, Tender is the Night my inbox is hungry for poetry crit requests
Last edited by Skye; 08-15-2007 at 06:04 PM. 
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#2
08-15-2007, 03:54 PM
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"he's flushed febrile:
body arched and bare spine as sweat-wrung lace spare muscles hooked precariously on infinite ridges stuck stark through skin like glass." Perfect way of setting the scene. you just get this picture of this man, hunched over, near collapse under his own weight. The question is, is that a good thing or bad thing? Why is he so "flushed febrile"? How in L4 "spare" just doesn't really seem to fit. In panic or orgasm nothing is really spare. Maybe lax or complacent is hte word you're looking for? Spare just doesn't seem to capture it. "the echoes of fevered rib bones rattling can still be heard in rebound inside hte cracks in my palms, raw with spinal abrasions and stung sore by too-sleek skin cell kisses." Now this is very interesting indeed. It adds more color. More depth and motive to these, whoever they are, characters. It shows emotion through pure explanation. That's what I've learn to like about your poems, you're good at showing emotion through description. The more I read this stanza the more I liked it. It's as if I keep finding new things, double meanings. "your spinal shadows are so steep i lean to reach them from upside-down." Now although I like these two lines alot I think you should end it with somehting a bit more solid, a bit more concrete. Maybe a flat out statement. It can be a complex one but on without too many descriptive words. Something that sticks out, sums it up. Something that maybe adds something in controversy to the rest of the poem. Something that makes hte reader go "wow". I think endings are too often overlooked and that you'd do nicely to end on a stronger point in poems like these. The description is amazing and infinitely deep, but the solid "why or how does this relate?" isn't there. Abstraction is good. Abstraction is great. But the abstract mixed with the tangible is always best.
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#3
08-26-2007, 10:10 PM
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More comments, anyone?
__________________
"... she felt that she had learned something, though exactly what it was she did not know. Later she remembered all the hours of the afternoon as happy -- one of those uneventful times that seem at the moment only a link between past and future pleasure, but turn out to have been the pleasure itself." -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, Tender is the Night my inbox is hungry for poetry crit requests
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