The Mansion's Secret

[youngauthor]

I developed a scene/dialogue off of this and I have turned this short story into a short novel that I have been working on for about 2 weeks. Read, enjoy, and critque!

**************************************************

Her eyes flickered open and stared blankly at the pearl white ceiling. Her breathing began to slow and her chest rose and fell creating a hill and then a valley against the colors of the room. Her breath seeped from her lips, the salty, humid air clinging onto them, making them dry and cracked. They burned and she licked them to relieve the pain. She lay there watching the sun peak around the edges of the curtains, beckoning her out into the new world. Nevertheless, she lay there like a wounded animal expecting the end, unable to answer the sun's call. What happened to me? She could only remember the events of last night in small flickers. I think I was playing with Ruby down by the old slave houses. I had showed her the doll I had found tucked away in a brown shoebox in the back of my closet.

Before she could sort through that small glimpse of memory, she was jolted by a loud knock on the hollow maple door of her bedroom. The noise cracked the air like a hammer to glass. Though the sound seemed to disturb the calm of the room, she merely turned to her side and looked at the door, anticipating another blow to the wood.

“Lee, get up. Mom said you can't stay in there any longer.”

The voice echoed through the empty hallway and under the crack between the door and the floor. Lee's only movement was the inhalation and exhalation of air into and out of her chest. A few moments past before the voice came again, this time much more forceful than before.

“Are you up yet? Jump on the bed, tap on the dresser, do something that will let me know your getting ready,” the voice barked.

She rolled on her back, clenching the sheets with her fists. There was a momentary pause and then a sigh of defeat on the other side of the hard, wooden barrier. Before another moment could pass, Lee heard her sister sprint down the hallway and clunk down the stairs. She gradually released the death grip on the sweat soaked bed coverings, relishing the beautiful silence.

She sat up, swinging her emaciated legs over the side of the bed. After brushing her hair away from her face with one hand and wiping the sweat from her forehead with the other, she began to mull over the events of the previous night. Where did I go? Trying with all her strength, she thought hard, but this time, she remembered something different. They had me in their cabin. They were chanting something and sprinkling things on my face. Lee stared at the wall, on which hung a poster of The Rolling Stones, the only reminder of the world outside of the time-warped Louisiana bayou. Her breathing was still slow, dangerously it seemed. That is what time was like on the old plantation.

She knew her mother would be beckoning her down to mid-afternoon dinner, so she hopped off the bed, letting her dry feet thump on the hard glossy wood floor. The day was so warm, so inviting, and yet the muscles in her arms, legs, and back, felt petrified, almost unmovable as she made her way to the full-length mirror. Standing in front of the diamond like glass encased in polished oak wood, she stared at her reflection. Her hair, plastered to her face, was now the light brown that only comes during the summer months. Her cheeks were a flushed rose red and her skin was almost as pale white as the lace curtains floating around her cathedral like windows. Something didn't feel right. She felt out of place, like her body wasn't her own. She pressed her clammy, skeletal fingers against her hips and let them slide down her sides. She had curves. What happened to my old figure?

Another loud knock wrenched her from her thoughts. Lee turned to face the door, waiting for her sister's catcall to get dressed and go downstairs.

“Open the door Lee! You have to come out for dinner, mom said!” Her sister's voice was sharp and impatient.

Lee glared at the door, but turned around and stomped over to her dresser and began to pull out a pair of jeans and a t-shirt.

“Now!” came a voice even louder.

“Shut up and leave me alone Violet! I'll get dressed in my own time. Don't rush me!” The words flew from her lips before she knew she had even thought of them.

“What did you just say?” This time, Lee knew it wasn't Violet speaking. It was her mother. She froze in place.

“Mom, umm… I can't just yet. I'm not completely dressed.” Her words were in a tiptoe tone, but it felt like she wasn't saying them at all. It was as if her lips were moving by themselves and she had no control over what came out of them.

“Oh my god.” She heard her mother whisper from the other side of the bedroom door. Another “Oh my god,” came much louder this time, but it was now frantic as well. “What did you just say Victoria?”

She knew she was in trouble. She scrambled to find words, but the words that were supposed to come, didn't. It was like when she tried to make her mouth move it wouldn't, but when she didn't want to speak, the words flowed from her mouth like ink from a pen.

“I-I” she could only manage to stutter that one word.

“Victoria? What did you say?”

She didn't know what to say. She was stunned. She was scared. She was so confused about the entire morning and previous night. That's when another memory flashed in her mind. They showed me a picture. It was a picture of me, but they said it was someone else. They said I was someone else.

Before she could think further, her mother had found the bedroom key and unlocked the door, flinging it open and bolting towards her.

“Lee! Oh my god, say something Lee! I know you said something. Say it again!” Her mother fell to her knees in front of her and cupped her moist face in her hands. “Look at me Victoria Lee. Say something!”

Lee could see tears in her mother's eyes. She herself was so confused, so disoriented. She didn't know what was happening to her. And then it hit her. It hit her like a baseball shattering a window. She had spoken words. She began to shake and her knees felt so weak, she thought they might fall out from under her.

“Victoria!” Her mother's voice was like a whip to her ears.

“I-I-I, didn't mean--”

“Oh my god, oh my god.” Her mother choked. “You spoke words Victoria! You spoke words!”

Her mother pulled her tight to her body and she fell into it. She clung onto her mother, wrapping both arms around her neck, leaning into the warm embrace, and pressing her face into the crook between her mother's shoulder and chin. She wearily looked up from her mother's shoulder and saw her sister, mouth gapping open, and eyes as big as moons. She stared at her sister for a moment, still in shock. And then she remembered. She remembered everything that had happened the night before. As if the whole moment had never occurred, Lee pushed her mother from her arms and ran past her. Flying by her sister, she stumbled through the hallway filled with old pictures and fainted purple wallpaper. She clamored down the stairs into the kitchen, bolting past Ruby and almost knocking her down. She pushed open the screen door to the kitchen and began to run towards the forest.

She ran down the path she knew lead to the old slave houses. She ran, the branches of trees tearing at her nightgown, rocks digging into the soles of her feet. She ran, never once stopping to take a breath, the wind whipping her hair from side to side. She ran until she saw the small, crooked cabin. It's peach colored paint, chipped, and it's stairs slightly detached from the house itself. She then began to edge towards the house, inching as if trying to sneak upon the house, hoping she would be unnoticed. She crept her way up the stairs and placed her hand on the brass doorknob. She carefully opened it, the creak echoing through the dense clump of trees surrounding the shack.

Once the door was completely open, she didn't bother to close it. She walked around, looking at what was left by the workers before they marched off to take care of the grounds, the kitchen, and the rest of the house. There was a small table with four chairs, all which were turned and facing separate directions. Glancing past the table, she saw the rest of the kitchen, dishes stacked high in the sink, food left over from the night before carefully placed in foil-covered dishes. When she turned her head the other way, she was facing a long dark hallway.

She sucked air in, and refused to let it out. Her hands began to tremble and she shuffled into the dark hallway, waiting for something to grab her from the side or behind. After what seemed like an eternity, she came upon a room, it's door ajar. She pushed the door back and saw a dirt-covered floor with merely a blanket, a hearth, and unlabeled bottles scattered around the burned out fire's ashes. And she saw it all again. She remembered everything.

I was looking for my coat and I found a brown paper-covered box deep inside the closest. I opened it up and found a doll that looked old and raggedy, but there was something about it that felt familiar, that felt right. I picked it up and ran down to the creek to show Ruby. Ruby was excited and wanted to play with the doll. I told her that we shouldn't play with it outside and that when we went in tomorrow, we could both play with it. She agreed and we went and put it inside her shack, then we decided to play hide-and-seek. I was hiding behind a tree on one of its roots when I fell into the creek. Everything went dark. All of a sudden I woke up again and I was in Ruby's cabin and her family was standing around me. They sprinkled stuff on my face and began to sing. I fell asleep again. Ruby's older sister, Lanai woke me up. She gave me some water and some bread and told me that her father was going to tell me stories, so I must be awake for it. I sat there for a while and then Ruby, her father, and the rest of their family came in and all sat around me. Ruby's father told me a story of a young girl who lived in this house when it was first built. They told me that she had fallen into the creek and hit her head on a rock and never woke up. They told me that the doll I had found belonged to her. Ruby's father than got up and walked over to a box and picked out what looked like a picture. He slowly walked over and stood above me. He stared at the picture for a few moments, but then bent down and pointed to a little girl who was standing with an older man and woman behind her. He pointed to her and said that was I in the picture. I nodded my head yes, because it had to be. It looked just like me. But then he told me something that scared me. He told me that my name wasn't Victoria Lee Manchester. He told me that I had lived in the house when it was first built. He told me that I was the daughter of the LaThompson's, very wealthy cotton plantation owners. He told me that my name was Laura Elizabeth LaThompson. He told me I had come back from the dead.

Lee stood in the small dirt covered room in the servant's shack and looked around, remembering every detail of the previous night's events. She couldn't believe it. Was it true? Was I really Laura?

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I had a question for anyone who could answer it. How do you indent/tab your paragraphs?

[veronicababe99]

I absolutely loved it! It was brilliantly written with lots of attention and detail. At some points it was slightly confusing as to what her actual name is until the end. You started off by Violet calling her lee, but then her mother comes in and calls her Victoria! I found it a bit confusing as I read it because I didn't know if Lee and Victoria were two totally different people. However you did explained this at the end so well done for that.

Is this all of the story? I think if you wanted to, you could easily continue the story on. You leave the reader with a questions at the end which make them want to read more!!!

In regards to the Indent/tabs, I presume that when you wrote this on MS Word/notepad, you had indented each paragraph. Unfortunately TW doesn't seem to like tabs and indents. I think that only way you would be able to indent your work would be with the space bar. Annoying, I know but last time I tried indenting work, it totally ignore it. Give the space bar a go.

However, like I said, this story is wonderfully written with great detail and thought put into it. I really enjoyed reading it. Excellent work!

Veronica
x

[youngauthor]

It's funny that you mentioned continuing the story because I thougth maybe I should too. I have completed the first two chapters of this "short novel" surrounding this theme/topic, but I wasn't sure if I should post them. But since you seem to have an interest, I might do that.

[Sick]

Originally Posted by youngauthor

“Are you up yet? Jump on the bed, tap on the dresser, do something that will let me know youryou're getting ready,” the voice barked.

---------

She sat up, swinging her emaciated legs over the side of the bed. After brushing her hair away from her face with one hand and wiping the sweat from her forehead with the other, she began to mull over the events of the previous night. Where did I go? Trying with all her strength, she thought hard, but this time, she remembered something different. They had me in their cabin. They were chanting something and sprinkling things on my face. Lee stared at the wall,Is she dazed and distant while she remembers this? Is she frustrated? How does she stare at the wall is what I'm saying. on which hung a poster of The Rolling Stones, the only reminder of the world outside of the time-warped Louisiana bayou. Her breathing was still slow, dangerously it seemed. That is what time was like on the old plantation.

Well written. There's attention to detail. One thing that slightly bothered me, though, is this: I want to know what her mother's reaction to Lee's running off. I'd think her mother would yell after her or stunned by Lee's action. It just seems like that detail belongs.

I agree with Veronica. If you wanted to, you could take this farther.

[Olea Laurifolia]

Originally Posted by youngauthor

Her eyes flickered open and stared blankly at the pearl white ceiling. Her breathing began to slow and her chest rose and fell comma here creating a hill and then a valley against the colors of the room. Her breath seeped from her lips, use semi-colon here, not comma the salty, humid air clinging onto them, making them dry and cracked. It sounds like the air is clinging to the breath instead of the lips IMO, you might want to address the lips again before the next sentence. They burned and she licked them to relieve the pain. She lay there watching the sun peak around the edges of the curtains, beckoning her out into the new world. Nevertheless, she lay there like a wounded animal expecting the end, unable to answer the sun's call. New paragraph here.What happened to me? She could only remember the events of last night in small flickers. I think I was playing with Ruby down by the old slave houses. I had showed her the doll I had found tucked away in a brown shoebox in the back of my closet.

Before she could sort through that small glimpse of memory, she was jolted by a loud knock on the hollow maple door of her bedroom. The noise cracked the air like a hammer to glass. Firstly, you used cracked twice, so you might want to change that verb. Secondly, hammer don't crack glass, they shatter it, so "crack" is understating. Though the sound seemed to disturb the calm "Calm" is an adjective, use "calmness". of the room, she merely turned to her side and looked at the door, anticipating another blow to the wood.

“Lee, get up. Mom said you can't stay in there any longer.”

The voice echoed through the empty hallway and under the crack Three times the charm! I see "crack" again! between the door and the floor. Lee's only movement was the inhalation and exhalation of air into and out Use either "into and out of" or "in and out". of her chest. A few moments passed before the voice came again, this time much more forceful than before.

“Are you up yet? Jump on the bed, tap on the dresser, do something that will let me know your getting ready,” the voice barked.

She rolled on her back, clenching the sheets with her fists. There was a momentary pause and then a sigh of defeat on the other side of the hard, wooden barrier. Before another moment could pass Moments passed twice now. Use something else to describe time. Maybe use a clock or something. , Lee heard her sister sprint down the hallway and clunk down the stairs. She gradually released the death grip on the sweat soaked bed coverings, relishing the beautiful silence.

She sat up, swinging her emaciated legs over the side of the bed. After brushing her hair away from her face with one hand and wiping the sweat from her forehead with the other, she began to mull over the events of the previous night. Where did I go? Trying with all her strength, she thought hard, but this time, she remembered something different. They had me in their cabin. They were chanting something and sprinkling things on my face. Lee stared at the wall, on which hung a poster of The Rolling Stones, the only reminder of the world outside of the time-warped Louisiana bayou. Her breathing was still slow, dangerously it seemed. That is what time was like on the old plantation.

She knew her mother would be beckoning Second beckoning. Sorry, I have this thing for repeated words. her down to mid-afternoon dinner, so she hopped off the bed, letting her dry feet thump on the hard glossy wood floor. The day was so warm, so inviting, and yet the muscles in her arms, legs, and back, You don't really need those commas. felt petrified, almost unmovable as she made her way to the full-length mirror. Standing in front of the diamond like glass encased in polished oak wood, she stared at her reflection. Her hair, plastered to her face, was now the light brown that only comes during the summer months. Then what color was it before? Judging by her name, I suppose it's black, but not everyone might know that. Her cheeks were a flushed rose red and her skin was almost as pale white as the lace curtains floating around her cathedral-like windows. Something didn't feel right. She felt out of place, like her body wasn't her own. She pressed her clammy, skeletal fingers against her hips and let them slide down her sides. She had curves. What happened to my old figure?

Another loud knock wrenched her from her thoughts. Lee turned to face the door, waiting for her sister's catcall to get dressed and go downstairs.

“Open the door Lee! You have to come out for dinner, mom said!” Her sister's voice was sharp and impatient.

Lee glared at the door, but turned around and stomped over to her dresser and began to pull out a pair of jeans and a t-shirt.

“Now!” Came a voice even louder.

“Shut up and leave me alone Violet! I'll get dressed in my own time. Don't rush me!” The words flew from her lips before she knew she had even thought of them.

“What did you just say?” This time, Lee knew it wasn't Violet speaking. It was her mother. She froze in place.

“Mom, umm… I can't just yet. I'm not completely dressed.” Her words were in a tiptoe tone, but it felt like she wasn't saying them at all. It was as if her lips were moving by themselves and she had no control over what came out of them.

“Oh my god.” She heard her mother whisper from the other side of the bedroom door. Another “Oh my god,” came much louder this time, but it was now frantic as well, “what did you just say Victoria?”

She knew she was in trouble. She scrambled to find words, but the words that were supposed to come, didn't. It was like when she tried to make her mouth move it wouldn't, but when she didn't want to speak, the words flowed from her mouth like ink from a pen.

“I-I” she could only manage to stutter that one word.

“Victoria? What did you say?”

She didn't know what to say. She was stunned. She was scared. She was so confused about the entire morning and previous night. That's when another memory flashed in her mind. They showed me a picture. It was a picture of me, but they said it was someone else. They said I was someone else.

Before she could think further, her mother had found the bedroom key and unlocked the door, flinging it open and bolting towards her.

“Lee! Oh my god, say something Lee! I know you said something. Say it again!” Her mother fell to her knees in front of her and cupped her moist face in her hands. “Look at me Victoria Lee. Say something!” This story is getting rather confusing... o__O

Lee could see tears in her mother's eyes. She herself was so confused, so disoriented. She didn't know what was happening to her. And then it hit her. It hit her like a baseball shattering a window. She had spoken words. She began to shake and her knees felt so weak, she thought they might fall out from under her.

“Victoria!” Her mother's voice was like a whip to her ears.

“I-I-I, didn't mean--”

“Oh my god, oh my god.” Her mother choked. “You spoke words Victoria! You spoke words!” Ohhh, I get it now! Good going, ya got me hanging there.

Her mother pulled her tight to her body and she fell into it. She clung onto her mother, wrapping both arms around her neck, leaning into the warm embrace, and pressing her face into the crook between her mother's shoulder and chin. She wearily looked up from her mother's shoulder and saw her sister, mouth gapping open, and eyes as big as moons. She stared at her sister for a moment, still in shock. And then she remembered. She remembered everything that had happened the night before. As if the whole moment had never occurred, Lee pushed her mother from her arms and ran past her. Flying by her sister, she stumbled through the hallway filled with old pictures and fainted purple wallpaper. She clamored down the stairs into the kitchen, bolting past Ruby and almost knocking her down. She pushed open the screen door to the kitchen and began to run towards the forest.

She ran down the path she knew that lead to the old slave houses. She ran, the branches of trees tearing at her nightgown, rocks digging into the soles of her feet. She ran, never once stopping to take a breath, the wind whipping her hair from side to side. She ran until she saw the small, crooked cabin. It's peach colored paint, chipped, and it's stairs slightly detached from the house itself. She then began to edge towards the house, inching as if trying to sneak upon the house, hoping she would be unnoticed. She crept her way up the stairs and placed her hand on the brass doorknob. She carefully opened it, the creak echoing through the dense clump of trees surrounding the shack.

Once the door was completely open, she didn't bother to close it. She walked around, looking at what was left by the workers before they marched off to take care of the grounds, the kitchen, and the rest of the house. There was a small table with four chairs, all which were turned and facing separate directions. Glancing past the table, she saw the rest of the kitchen, dishes stacked high in the sink, food left over from the night before carefully placed in foil-covered dishes. When she turned her head the other way, she was facing a long dark hallway.

She sucked air in, and refused to let it out. Her hands began to tremble and she shuffled into the dark hallway, waiting for something to grab her from the side or behind. After what seemed like an eternity, she came upon a room, it's door ajar. She pushed the door back and saw a dirt-covered floor with merely a blanket, a hearth, and unlabeled bottles scattered around the burned out fire's ashes. And she saw it all again. She remembered everything.

I was looking for my coat and I found a brown paper-covered box deep inside the closest. I opened it up and found a doll that looked old and raggedy, but there was something about it that felt familiar, that felt right. I picked it up and ran down to the creek to show Ruby. Ruby was excited and wanted to play with the doll. I told her that we shouldn't play with it outside and that when we went in tomorrow, we could both play with it. She agreed and we went and put it inside her shack, then we decided to play hide-and-seek. I was hiding behind a tree on one of its roots when I fell into the creek. Everything went dark. All of a sudden I woke up again and I was in Ruby's cabin and her family was standing around me. They sprinkled stuff on my face and began to sing. I fell asleep again. Ruby's older sister, Lanai woke me up. She gave me some water and some bread and told me that her father was going to tell me stories, so I must be awake for it. I sat there for a while and then Ruby, her father, and the rest of their family came in and all sat around me. Ruby's father told me a story of a young girl who lived in this house when it was first built. They told me that she had fallen into the creek and hit her head on a rock and never woke up. They told me that the doll I had found belonged to her. Ruby's father then got up and walked over to a box and picked out what looked like a picture. He slowly walked over He "walked over" twice now. and stood above me. He stared at the picture for a few moments, but then bent down and pointed to a little girl who was standing with an older man and woman behind her. He pointed to her and said that was I in the picture. I nodded my head yes, because it had to be. It looked just like me. But then he told me something that scared me. He told me that my name wasn't Victoria Lee Manchester. He told me that I had lived in the house when it was first built. He told me that I was the daughter of the LaThompson's, very wealthy cotton plantation owners. He told me that my name was Laura Elizabeth LaThompson. He told me I had come back from the dead.

Lee stood in the small dirt covered room in the servant's shack and looked around, remembering every detail of the previous night's events. She couldn't believe it. Was it true? Was I really Laura?

**************************************************
I had a question for anyone who could answer it. How do you indent/tab your paragraphs?

To answer your question, I don't think you can indent/tab your paragraphs on the forum. At least not here.

A few things to say. Good writing; it is very descriptive. However, you might want to watch using repeated words, readers who remember will find that very boring. It was a little slow in the beginning, but it picked up speed, which is good. But I want to ask you, why was the mother so surprised at the fact that she talked? Couldn't she talk before? If she couldn't, you should state that somewhere. Also, if she couldn't, why wasn't the sister surprised? But anyways, it's a good story, but it seems like more can happen to the girl, after understanding everything.

[aivilo relluf]

whoah :] very descriptive! this kept me interested and on the edge with suspense of what was going to happen. i noticed the subtle hints you gave to what was going on in the story, very well written. you could definately take this farther, but that's totally up to you.

[Blank]

I love freaky stories!!!Yours was great it kept me at the edge of my computer chair. Although I was surprised how could victoria not notice she had talked when she hadn't before?

Well it's a thriller and my the ending on this submission I'm guessing, to be continued?

[krissy]

Interesting... I like the story, I have ideas on how the setting looks like! You can definately continue the story, I'd love to know what'll happen...

[writer23]

[quote=youngauthor;287383]I developed a scene/dialogue off of this and I have turned this short story into a short novel that I have been working on for about 2 weeks. Read, enjoy, and critque!

**************************************************

Her eyes flickered open and stared blankly at the pearl white ceiling. Her breathing began to slow and her chest rose and fell creating a hill and then a valley against the colors of the room. Her breath seeped from her lips, the salty, humid air clinging onto them, making them dry and cracked. They burned and she licked them to relieve the pain. She lay there watching the sun peak around the edges of the curtains, beckoning her out into the new world. Nevertheless, she lay there like a wounded animal expecting the end, unable to answer the sun's call. What happened to me? She could only remember the events of last night in small flickers. I think I was playing with Ruby down by the old slave houses. I had showed her the doll I had found tucked away in a brown shoebox in the back of my closet.
absolutely wonderful description!
Before she could sort through that small glimpse of memory, she was jolted by a loud knock on the hollow maple door of her bedroom. The noise cracked the air like a hammer to glass good analogy.. Though the sound seemed to disturb the calm of the room, she merely turned to her side and looked at the door, anticipating another blow to the wood.

“Lee, get up. Mom said you can't stay in there any longer.”

The voice echoed through the empty hallway If the person was banging on her door, it wouldn't have to travel through the hall and then to her door - it would just go under the door. and under the crack between the door and the floor. Lee's only movement was the inhalation and exhalation of air into and out of her chest. A few moments past before the voice came again, this time much more forceful than before.

“Are you up yet? Jump on the bed, tap on the dresser, do something that will let me know your getting ready,” the voice barked.

She rolled on her back, clenching the sheets with her fists. There was a momentary pause and then a sigh of defeat on the other side of the hard, wooden barrier. Before another moment could pass, Lee heard her sister sprint down the hallway and clunk down the stairs. She gradually released the death grip on the sweat soaked bed coverings, relishing the beautiful silence.

She sat up, swinging her emaciated legs over the side of the bed. After brushing her hair away from her face with one hand and wiping the sweat from her forehead with the other, she began to mull over the events of the previous night. Where did I go? Trying with all her strength, she thought hard, but this time, she remembered something different. They had me in their cabin. They were chanting something and sprinkling things on my face. Lee stared at the wall, on which hung a poster of The Rolling Stones, the only reminder of the world outside of the time-warped Louisiana bayou. Her breathing was still slow, dangerously it seemed. That is what time was like on the old plantation.

She knew her mother would be beckoning her down to mid-afternoon dinner, so she hopped off the bed, letting her dry feet thump on the hard glossy wood floor. The day was so warm, so inviting, and yet the muscles in her arms, legs, and back, felt petrified, almost unmovable as she made her way to the full-length mirror. Standing in front of the diamond like glass encased in polished oak wood, she stared at her reflection. Her hair, plastered to her face I thought she just brushed her hair away from her face., was now the light brown that only comes during the summer months. Her cheeks were a flushed rose red and her skin was almost as pale white as the lace curtains floating around her cathedral like windows good description.. Something didn't feel right. She felt out of place, like her body wasn't her own. She pressed her clammy, skeletal fingers against her hips and let them slide down her sides. She had curves. What happened to my old figure?
I am hooked to this story right now. It reminds me of something Louis Duncan would write...
Another loud knock wrenched her from her thoughts. Lee turned to face the door, waiting for her sister's catcall to get dressed and go downstairs.

“Open the door, Lee! You have to come out for dinner, mom said!” Her sister's voice was sharp and impatient.

Lee glared at the door, but turned around and stomped over to her dresser and began to pull out a pair of jeans and a t-shirt.

“Now!” came a voice even louder.

“Shut up and leave me alone, Violet! hehe! You've captured perfectly the way sisters fight. I'll get dressed in my own time. Don't rush me!” The words flew from her lips before she knew she had even thought of them. [color="red"]something doesn't flow in that last sentence...COLOR]
“What did you just say?” This time, Lee knew it wasn't Violet speaking. It was her mother. She froze in place.

“Mom, umm… I can't just yet. I'm not completely dressed.” Her words were in a tiptoe tone, but it felt like she wasn't saying them at all. It was as if her lips were moving by themselves and she had no control over what came out of them.

“Oh my god.” She heard her mother whisper from the other side of the bedroom door. Another “Oh my god,” came much louder this time, but it was now frantic as well. “What did you just say, Victoria?”

She knew she was in trouble. She scrambled to find words, but the words that were supposed to come, didn't. It was like when she tried to make her mouth move it wouldn't, but when she didn't want to speak, the words flowed from her mouth like ink from a pen.

“I-I.” she could only manage to stutter that one word.

“Victoria? What did you say?”

She didn't know what to say. She was stunned. She was scared. She was so confused about the entire morning and previous night. That's when another memory flashed in her mind. They showed me a picture. It was a picture of me, but they said it was someone else. They said I was someone else.

Before she could think further, her mother had found the bedroom key and unlocked the door, flinging it open and bolting towards her.

“Lee!Yet, Victoria at the same time? what? Oh my god, say something, Lee! I know you said something. Say it again!” Her mother fell to her knees in front of her and cupped her moist face in her hands. “Look at me Victoria Lee.OH! Now it makes sense. It didn't in the beginning. Try to make that more clear. Say something!”

Lee could see tears in her mother's eyes. She herself was so confused, so disoriented. She didn't know what was happening to her. And then it hit her. It hit her like a baseball shattering a window. She had spoken words. She began to shake and her knees felt so weak, she thought they might fall out from under her.

“Victoria!” Her mother's voice was like a whip to her ears.

“I-I-I,why is there a comma there? didn't mean--”

“Oh my god, oh my god.” Her mother choked. “You spoke words , Victoria! You spoke words!”

Her mother pulled her tight to her body and she fell into it. She clung onto her mother, wrapping both arms around her neck, leaning into the warm embrace, and pressing her face into the crook between her mother's shoulder and chin. She wearily looked up from her mother's shoulder and saw her sister, mouth gapping open, and eyes as big as moons. She stared at her sister for a moment, still in shock. And then she remembered. She remembered everything that had happened the night before. As if the whole moment had never occurred, Lee pushed her mother from her arms and ran past her. Flying by her sister, she stumbled through the hallway filled with old pictures and fainted purple wallpaper. She clamored down the stairs into the kitchen, bolting past Ruby and almost knocking her down. She pushed open the screen door to the kitchen and began to run towards the forest.

She ran down the path she knew lead to the old slave houses. She ran, the branches of trees tearing at her nightgown, rocks digging into the soles of her feet. She ran, never once stopping to take a breath, the wind whipping her hair from side to side. good full description. She ran until she saw the small, crooked cabin. It's peach colored paint, chipped, and it's stairs slightly detached from the house itself. She then began to edge towards the house, inching as if trying to sneak upon the house, hoping she would be unnoticed. She crept her way up the stairs and placed her hand on the brass doorknob. She carefully opened it, the creak echoing through the dense clump of trees surrounding the shack.

Once the door was completely open, she didn't bother to close it. She walked around, looking at what was left by the workers before they marched off to take care of the grounds, the kitchen, and the rest of the house. There was a small table with four chairs, all which were turned and facing separate directions. Glancing past the table, she saw the rest of the kitchen, dishes stacked high in the sink, food left over from the night before carefully placed in foil-covered dishes. When she turned her head the other way, she was facing a long dark hallway.

She sucked air in, and refused to let it out. Her hands began to tremble and she shuffled into the dark hallway, waiting for something to grab her from the side or behind. After what seemed like an eternity, she came upon a room, it's door ajar. She pushed the door back and saw a dirt-covered floor with merely a blanket, a hearth, and unlabeled bottles scattered around the burned out fire's ashes. And she saw it all again. She remembered everything.

I was looking for my coat and I found a brown paper-covered box deep inside the closest. I opened it up and found a doll that looked old and raggedy, but there was something about it that felt familiar, that felt right. I picked it up and ran down to the creek to show Ruby. Ruby was excited and wanted to play with the doll.OH! I thought Ruby was a dog with the way you some what described her in the kitchen. Make it clearer, please, that Ruby is not a dog...unless I was the only one who thought that... I told her that we shouldn't play with it outside and that when we went in tomorrow, we could both play with it. She agreed and we went and put it inside her shack, then we decided to play hide-and-seek. I was hiding behind a tree on one of its roots when I fell into the creek. Everything went dark. All of a sudden I woke up again and I was in Ruby's cabin and her family was standing around me. They sprinkled stuff on my face and began to sing. I fell asleep again. Ruby's older sister, Lanai woke me up. She gave me some water and some bread and told me that her father was going to tell me stories, so I must be awake for it. I sat there for a while and then Ruby, her father, and the rest of their family came in and all sat around me. Ruby's father told me a story of a young girl who lived in this house when it was first built. They told me that she had fallen into the creek and hit her head on a rock and never woke up. They told me that the doll I had found belonged to her. Ruby's father than got up and walked over to a box and picked out what looked like a picture. He slowly walked over and stood above me. He stared at the picture for a few moments, but then bent down and pointed to a little girl who was standing with an older man and woman behind her. He pointed to her and said that was I in the picture. I nodded my head yes, because it had to be. It looked just like me. But then he told me something that scared me. He told me that my name wasn't Victoria Lee Manchester. He told me that I had lived in the house when it was first built. He told me that I was the daughter of the LaThompson's, very wealthy cotton plantation owners. He told me that my name was Laura Elizabeth LaThompson. He told me I had come back from the dead.

Lee stood in the small dirt covered room in the servant's shack and looked around, remembering every detail of the previous night's events. She couldn't believe it. Was it true? Was I really Laura?UOTE]


I love it! Great cliffhanger. A few mistakes but they can be dealt with. I noticed that you don't put a comma after a person's name is said in a sentence when someone is talking (wow, that was a mouthful.) Go back over your work and add commas where they need to be.

If you do decide to make this short story longer, be sure to keep me posted!

Sara.

[KiteRide86]

I really liked the opening of this piece. It kept my attention.

"She gradually released the death grip on the sweat soaked bed coverings, relishing the beautiful silence. " I really liked this bit. The words "death grip" and "relishing" are very good choices.

Great word choices. You kept the air of suspense up great. I loved the ending. It's always good to close with an indeterminate ending. Was she Laura? Hm...

Good job!