Blood Moon

[Ze_Omniwrath]

There hasn't been any revising yet, but I've got an image thats kinda stuck. I'm going to chip away at it till I dislodge something. Anyone who knows anything at prose critting this would be helpful, because I know fuck all about it.

A nighttime stroll on this lonely sidewalk; castaway from brick and mortar to reside here. A vagabond fulfilled by evening air. Each step pendulums from shadowed obscurity, to brilliance under the amber autumn blood moon. Stepping in perfect rhythm, swimming forward through the autumn air as chilled waves of wind roll across my bare chest like ocean tides, and I drink those floral wafts.

Suddenly my rhythm is joined by a second. A familiar sustained fury; quarter notes of running shoes on pavement. Isolated from my own, yet still a polyrythm formed, the runner approaches like a freight train. Her blonde ponytail too tight for smiling. Her breath, half notes to layer on to our rythms, and melt together like the perfect wave. That wave perpetually at the crescent. That wave that never breaks.

For these few seconds, in these few bars, our fairytale vignette is inscribed on those pagan clouds. I want to take her arm like a friend should and run with her into the blood moon, because the willow tree horizon hides the Goddess. I can see her threads of auburn thrown from the branches into Selene, her lunar puppet. I want to run with my new musician friend, but her ears are full of cotton and her eyes see only pavement.

My rhythm breaks into a frenzy; no sustained fury, just a manic trample for the trees. To make that air rush across my eyes like the Goddess's breath. Sprinting to change the sharp pavement clops to soft soil thuds. Through that field of gorgeous grass, knee high kisses from each blade to push me along. To break away into that blood moon, to curl up with Selene and crawl down those strings to a willow tree home.

[Harmony]

Hi Ze_Omniwrath! I just copy pasted your name here. Well, here are my two cents. Hope it helps a little.

A night[hyphen would make it clearer, I think]time stroll on along this lonely sidewalk; castaway from brick and mortar to reside here.-This sentence could do with a bit of rephrasing, I think. It's a little confusing right now. A vagabond fulfilled by evening air. Each step pendulums from shadowed obscurity, to brilliance under the amber autumn blood moon.-I really like the imagery in this sentence. Stepping in perfect rhythm, swimming forward through the autumn air as chilled waves of wind roll across my bare chest like ocean tides, and I drink those floral wafts.-Divide this sentence into two separate ones. It's too long and consequently gets confusing.

Suddenly my rhythm is joined matched by a second.-what? Pair of feet? A familiar sustained fury; quarter notes of running shoes on pavement. Isolated from my own,-you just said it was in rythm with yours. yet still a polyrythm formed, the runner approaches like a freight train. Her blonde ponytail too tight for smiling. I think this sentence flows better without that last bit. Her breath, half notes to layer on to our rythms, and melt together like the perfect wave. That wave perpetually at the crescent. That wave that never breaks.

For these few seconds, in these few bars, our fairytale vignette is inscribed on those pagan clouds.-beautifully expressed! I want to take her arm like a friend should and run with her into the blood moon, because the willow tree horizon hides the Goddess. I can see her threads of auburn thrown from the branches into Selene,-I like the reference here. Besides, I'm a fan of Greek mythology anyway. her lunar puppet. I want to run with my new musician friend, but her ears are full of cotton-why? and her eyes see only pavement.

My rhythm breaks into a frenzy; no sustained fury, just a manic trample for the trees. To make that air rush across my eyes like the Goddess's breath. Sprinting to change the sharp pavement clops to soft soil thuds. Through that field of gorgeous grass, knee high kisses from each blade to push me along. To break away into that blood moon, to curl up with Selene and crawl down those strings to a willow tree home.-nice ending. I really liked the last paragraph a lot!

[fox]

Hey, Omniwrath.
Blue and bold is for personal citations.
Red and bold is for mechanical citations.

Spoiler:

A nighttime stroll on this lonely sidewalk; castaway from brick and mortar to reside here.Assuming we keep the semicolon, this sentence needs one of two things: An 'a' before 'castaway' to show that the sidewalk is a castawat from the brick and mortar, or, 'castaway' needs to become two words: 'Cast away', as in a verb. A vagabond fulfilled by evening air. What about it? This sentence is a fragment.Each step pendulums from shadowed obscurity, to brilliance under the amber autumn blood moon.For me, there was one too many adjectives before 'moon'. Stepping in perfect rhythm, swimming forward through the autumn air as chilled waves of wind roll across my bare chest like ocean tides, and I drink those floral wafts.
Instead, make it "...roll across my bare chest like ocean tides. I drink those floral wafts." Otherwise, it's a run-on sentence.

Suddenly comma my rhythm is joined by a second. A familiar comma sustained fury; quarter notes of running shoes on pavement.I like this. Isolated from my own, yet still a polyrythm formed Is unecessary here. . The runner approaches like a freight train comma, not a period Her blonde ponytail too tight for smiling. Her breath, half notes to layer on to our rythms, and melt together like the perfect wave. That wave perpetually at the crescent. That wave that never breaks. These two sentences are on the verge of being simple, awkward wordplay. I still like it.

For these few seconds, in these few bars, our fairytale vignette is inscribed on these pagan clouds. I want to take her arm like a friend should and run with her into the blood moon, because the willow tree horizon hides the Goddess.Not totally sure I understand this. I can see her threads of auburn thrown from the branches into Selene, her lunar puppet. I want to run with my new musician friend, but her ears are full of cotton and her eyes see only pavement.Great description here!

My rhythm breaks into a frenzy; no sustained fury I love the way you repeat this from before. It really ties the change together. , just a manic trample for the trees. To make that air rush across my eyes like the Goddess's breath. Sprinting to change the sharp pavement clops to soft soil thuds. Through that field of gorgeous grass, knee high kisses from each blade to push me along. To break away into that blood moon, to curl up with Selene and crawl down those strings to a willow tree home. Beautiful description.

It's excellent in terms of description, but even that could be fixed in the outlined areas. Your grammar needs a lot of work. Other than that, I'm going to have to re-examine it to figure out exactly what the significance of Selene is. I don't want to say 'excellent' but it's very, very good.