One Step at a Time!

[bookworm23]

Okay, so this was an assignment given to us by our Composition teacher. This was spontaneous writing, meaning she just gave us the topic on the spot and we had to draft and revise it in the span of around 45 minutes. So this is the outcome. Constructive crit please Thank you!

[Oh and by the way, the general topic she gave us is "How I Can Help Change The World".]

One Step At a Time

The world is a big place. Just the idea of living among billions and billions of people already intimidates me. And that thought could be one of the main reasons why I roll my eyes and scoff whenever I hear someone mention the idea of “changing the world.”
Yes, I must admit that my way of thinking can offically label me as a pessimistic lacking in faith. But the question that went through my mind at one time was, “How am I, a lowly 15-year-old student, expected to change the world?” Yes. How?
And it was that issue that got me into a serious contemplating mode. What if I really was capable of accomplishing such an incredulous task? What was I to do to first?
Maybe to some others changing the world means killing all the bad guys; ridding the entire world of crime and war.
But to me right now, that is not my definition. I have to be optimistic, of course, but realistic as well. I believe that in changing the world, there are three words I must follow: ME, THEM, WE. And I think it is best that I take on these steps one at a time.
“If you want to make the world a better place, then take a look at yourself and make that change.” This line was taken from one of the late Michael Jackson’s hits, “Man in the Mirror.” The basic theme of this song is to start with yourself if you plan on changing those around you. And I thought that that certain line would be great help in emphasizing my point here, that no one should expect others to change if you yourself are not willing to.
To my definition of changing the world – Mine is to keep nature at its best, saving Mother Earth, and reversing the bad vices of the generation today. With these said, then what else am I supposed to do but apply all of these to myself? Yes, it will take me some time, maybe even A LOT of time, but in the end, it will all be worth it. I do just have to make sure I am worthy enough to be coined as a local example, even a role model maybe. A hypocrite is something I would never want to be called ever in my entire life. I have to practice what I preach!
And from then on, everything else will follow, like Step 2: THEM. “Them” here means influencing the people around me; guiding them to do what I am doing.
When that has been done, the WE comes in last. All of us, as a people, can come together with the same mission that is in mind – to change the world, to make it a better place. And with that, the feat is indeed possible.


This is all so far! Just a one-page essay, nothing spectacular. I'd appreciate some comments please, any way to improve my writing and grammar and all that Thank youu

[writer_girl]

My Comments are in blue

One Step At a Time

The world is a big place. Just the idea of living among billions and billions of people already intimidates me. Okay. As of June 1, 2009 the world population was 6, 783, 557, 897. If you say billions and billions of people it makes it sound like a lot more than 6.9 billion people. My suggestion is to write down the world population. And that thought could be one of the main reasons why I roll my eyes and scoff whenever I hear someone mention the idea of “changing the world.”
Yes, I must admit that my way of thinking can offically label me as a pessimistic lacking in faith. But the question that went through my mind at one time was, “How am I, a lowly 15-year-old student, expected to change the world?” Yes. How? I like this part. Your telling us what we're reading about.
And it was that issue that got me into a serious contemplating mode. What if I really was capable of accomplishing such an incredulous task? What was I to do to first?
Maybe to some others changing the world means killing all the bad guys; ridding the entire world of crime and war. I think you might want to add other examples of what changing the world means to people if you use the word "some". It sounds incomplete if you don't include the rest of the population.
But to me right now, that is not my definition. I have to be optimistic, of course, but realistic as well. I believe that in changing the world, there are three words I must follow: ME, THEM, WE. And I think it is best that I take on these steps one at a time.
“If you want to make the world a better place, then take a look at yourself and make that change.” This line was taken from one of the late Michael Jackson’s hits, “Man in the Mirror.” The basic theme of this song is to start with yourself if you plan on changing those around you. And I thought that that certain line would be great help in emphasizing my point here, that no one should expect others to change if you yourself are not willing to.
To my definition of changing the world – Mine is to keep nature at its best, saving Mother Earth, and reversing the bad vices of the generation today. With these said, then what else am I supposed to do but apply all of these to myself? I think you should say "this" instead of "these" in "With these said". Yes, it will take me some time, maybe even A LOT of time, but in the end, it will all be worth it. I don't think you should capitalize "A LOT". It doesn't need emphasis. I do just have to make sure I am worthy enough to be coined as a local example, even a role model maybe. A hypocrite is something I would never want to be called ever in my entire life. I have to practice what I preach!
And from then on, everything else will follow, like Step 2: THEM. “Them” here means influencing the people around me; guiding them to do what I am doing. Maybe say something about how you guide them.
When that has been done, the WE comes in last. All of us, as a people, can come together with the same mission that is in mind – to change the world, to make it a better place. And with that, the feat is indeed possible.

I like the paper. It's really good. It has good ideas and good writing. You just need to work on some grammar and add a little more detail.

[Supervannah]

Originally Posted by bookworm23

[Oh and by the way, the general topic she gave us is "How I Can Help Change The World".]

One Step At a Time

The world is a big place. Just the idea of living among billions and billions of people already intimidates me. As writer girl said there's like 7 billion people. and right now I by the writing I am imagining too many people. And that thought could be one of the main reasons why I roll my eyes and scoff whenever I hear someone mention the idea of “changing the world.”
Yes, I must admit that my way of thinking can offically label me as a pessimistic lacking in faith. But the question that went through my mind at one time was, “How am I, a lowly 15-year-old student, expected to change the world?” Yes. How?
And it was that issue that got me into a serious contemplating mode. What if I really was capable of accomplishing such an incredulous task? What was I to do to first?
Maybe to some others changing the world means killing all the bad guys; ridding the entire world of crime and war.
But to me right now, that is not my definition. I have to be optimistic, of course, but realistic as well. I believe that in changing the world, there are three words I must follow: ME, THEM, WE. And I think it is best that I take on these steps one at a time.
“If you want to make the world a better place, then take a look at yourself and make that change.” Like this part! This line was taken from one of the late Michael Jackson’s hits, “Man in the Mirror.” The basic theme of this song is to start with yourself if you plan on changing those around you. And I thought that that You don't have to put two thats here. Just keep one. certain line would be great help in emphasizing my point here, that no one should expect others to change if you yourself are not willing to.
To my definition of changing the world – Mine is to keep nature at its best, saving Mother Earth, and reversing the bad vices of the generation today. With these said, then what else am I supposed to do but apply all of these this to myself? Yes, it will take me some time, maybe even A LOT of time, but in the end, it will all be worth it. I do just have to make sure I am worthy enough to be coined as a local example, even a role model maybe. A hypocrite is something I would never want to be called ever in my entire life. I have to practice what I preach!
And from then on, everything else will follow, like Step 2: THEM. “Them” here means influencing the people around me; guiding them to do what I am doing.
When that has been done, the WE comes in last. All of us, as a people, can come together with the same mission that is in mind – to change the world, to make it a better place. And with that, the feat is indeed possible. Like this line!!


This is all so far! Just a one-page essay, nothing spectacular. I'd appreciate some comments please, any way to improve my writing and grammar and all that Thank youu

I actually really like this passage. It's something I think I could relate to, because I also would like to help out the world. But I like your points, Me, them, and we. I thought that was definitely a foundation of the essay. There were a couple places in this passage where you could have replaced the word with a different word. I think "the feat is indeed possible" was a good phrase to end the essay with.

[Harmony]

Okay, I know this has been posted a while back, but I really liked this piece, so thought I'd do some critting. Well, here we go.

The world is a big place. Just the idea of living among billions and billions- not as many 'billions' as you may think, but yeah, I get your point. of people already intimidates me. And that thought could be one of the main reasons why I roll my eyes and scoff whenever I hear someone mention the idea of “changing the world.”-I think I can relate to that, sometimes.
Yes, I must admit that my way of thinking can offically label me as a pessimistic [if you want to use the word 'pessimistic', you have to say a pessimistic person] lacking in faith. But the question that went through my mind at one time was, “How am I, a lowly mere 15-year-old student, expected to change the world?”-change paragraph-Yes. How?
And it was that issue thought [this is hardly an 'issue'.] that got me into a serious contemplating [strike]mode[/STRIKE] mood. What if I really was capable of accomplishing such an incredulous incredible task? What was I to do to first?
Maybe to some others[comma] changing the world means killing all the bad guys; ridding the entire world of crime and war.
But to me right now, that is not my the definition of change. I have-why? There is no compulsion. 'Want' would be a more appropriate word, in this situation. to be optimistic, of course, but realistic as well. I believe that in changing the world, there are three words I must follow: ME, THEM, WE.-well written! And I think it is best that I take on these steps one at a time.
“If you want to make the world a better place, then take a look at yourself and make that change.” This line was taken from one of the late Michael Jackson’s hits, “Man in the Mirror.” The basic theme of this song is to start with yourself if you plan on changing those around you. And Don't start a sentence with 'and' if it can be helped. I thought that that certain the word is unnecessary line would be of great help in emphasizing my point here, that no one should expect others to change if you yourself they themselves are not willing to.<OR> "You should not expect the world to change if you yourself are not willing to."
To In my definition of changing the world – Mine is to keep nature at its best, saving Mother Earth, and reversing the bad have you ever come across a 'good' vice? vices of the today's generation today. With these This said, then now what else am I supposed to do but apply all of these this to myself? Yes, it will take me some time, maybe even A LOT of time, but in the end, it will all be worth it. I do just have to make sure I am worthy enough to be coined as a local example, even a role model maybe.-This makes it sound as though you're doing all this for the fame that it's gonna bring you. A hypocrite is something I would never want to be called ever in my entire life.-Is something I'd never want to be called in my life. Simpler, isn't it? There's no point in complicating sentences unnecessarily. I have to practice what I preach!-why the exclamation?
And from then on, everything else will follow, like Step 2: THEM. “Them” here means influencing the people around me; guiding them to do what I am doing. That sounds, I dunno...a bit too self-important, maybe? I think you could have phrased that sentence better.
When that has been done, the WE comes in last. All of us, as a people, can come together with the same mission that is in mind – to change the world, to make it a better place. And with that, the feat is indeed possible.-nice ending.

The main problem that I noticed about this piece is that it's a bit cliche. I mean, how many times have you heard this concept discussed, talked and written about? Other than that, I must say that the presentation, overall, was quite good. I had a great time reading this!